Tone policing
Overview
Tone policing refers to the act of trying to invalidate what someone said by criticizing how they put it (tone, intensity of emotion, choice of words) instead of the content or the point of what they said. "You may be right, but you should say it more calmly." "Nobody will listen if you say it like that." Instead of arguing against the content, it tries to silence the other person by criticizing the form.
Tone policing seems reasonable at first glance. However, tone policing forces silence in the form of "asking for calm." Saying "calm down" to someone who's emotional may deny their feelings and shut down what they're saying.
Tone policing in question boxes
In question boxes, tone policing is also aimed at answers where the person answering put emotion into their words. For example, an answer expressing anger at an unpleasant question gets criticism like "You're the one answering, so you should respond more calmly" or "Getting emotional is unprofessional." This criticism doesn't touch on whether the answer's content is fair. It's aimed at the fact that they showed emotion at all.
It happens to senders, too. An answer that replies "Please write a bit more calmly" to a question describing a pressing worry in an emotional style is the same kind of tone policing. A reply that strips away the emotion that comes with a worry and asks only for "a calm question" also downplays what the sender went through.
Spotting tone policing
There are ways to tell tone policing apart from a fair "request for calm." Whether the reply also mentions the content is one of them. "The way you said it is harsh, but your point itself is fair" is fair feedback. A reply that ends with "the way you said it is wrong" and doesn't touch the content is tone policing.
When the person answering in a question box gets tone policed, they don't need to regret how they expressed their feelings. Having feelings and expressing them are both natural for a human being. That said, there is a way to choose calm for your own sake, so you don't hurt yourself with emotional answers. Calm forced on you by others and calm you choose yourself are different. This difference is important.