"What do you think of X?" The right move when asked about others

Questions about other people are landmines

"What do you think of X?" "Are you close with Y?" "Do you like Z?" Questions like these sometimes arrive in a question box.

These are landmine questions. No matter how you answer, there's a risk of hurting someone.

If you say something good, people may think you're playing favorites. If you say something bad, it may reach that person and become the seed of trouble. Even if you answer "They're OK," people may read too much into it and ask "What does OK mean?" It's a question with no right answer.

Safe ways to answer

One safe method is to declare a rule: "I've decided not to answer about other people in my question box." Instead of turning down each question one by one, if you set it as a rule, it's easier to say no, and it's easier for senders to accept.

If you really want to answer, say only positive things. Something like "I think X is a fun person" is unlikely to cause problems. But avoid specific stories. If you write "The other day, X did this," the person may think "Don't talk about me without asking" when they see it.

Never write anything negative. Even in an anonymous question box, your answers are made public. If you write "I'm not really a fan of X," that's badmouthing written in a place anyone can read.

Use "Would the person be fine reading it?" as your standard

When you're not sure whether to write about someone else, you can decide with just one standard: "Would that person be fine reading this answer?"

If it's something the person would be happy to read, or at least wouldn't be hurt by, it's probably fine to write. If you feel even a little that "It would be bad if they saw this," it's better not to write it. It's a simple yardstick.

Even in an anonymous question box, your answers are made public, and you can't know when or who will see them. Instead of "They won't find out anyway," ask "Would the person be fine seeing it?" If you keep this standard, your mistakes when answering about other people should gradually decrease.

Don't take part in spreading gossip

If you're asked about someone and end up answering with what you know, you could become a relay point for gossip without realizing it.

Your answer gets clipped by someone and passed on to another person. It can also be used as material to stir up relationships: "X said this about you."

Even if the question was half for fun, the moment you answer, you become the source of that gossip. Don't talk about people when they aren't there. If you hold that line, there's plenty of trouble you can avoid getting dragged into. Sometimes silence is the safest answer.

When you're stuck, casually change the subject

When you don't want to properly answer a question about someone else, you don't have to force yourself to face it. Casually changing the subject is a perfectly good way to handle it too.

"That's a secret. Anyway, this happened to me recently," and you switch to talking about yourself. You can move away from what you were asked naturally, without causing friction.

Even when it feels awkward to say outright "I won't answer," if you steer the conversation away, it's harder for the sender to keep pressing. You have no obligation to answer every question head-on. Knowing how to brush things off is also an important skill for keeping your question box calm.

Steer toward questions about yourself

A question box is really a place for people to get to know "you." So if questions about other people start to increase, little by little, shift the mood toward "Ask me about myself."

Write "I'll answer anything about myself" in your profile, or share more of the answers you gave about yourself. Then questions addressed to you naturally tend to gather.

You can create a mood where questions that pry into other people are less likely to come. If you make your question box one where you're the main character, the questions that tend to become landmines decrease, and it gets closer to being a place you can enjoy with peace of mind.

Why are these questions sent?

Questions that ask about other people come from a few different motives.

Sometimes it's pure curiosity. The sender just wondered "Are those 2 close?" There's no ill intent.

But sometimes the goal is to gather information. There's a possibility that someone is trying to use your answer to manipulate your relationship with a third person. They may be collecting material so they can go to someone else and say, "X said they don't like you."

It's hard to tell which motive it is, so it's safest to set a rule that you don't answer about other people. You're free to answer about yourself. But don't talk about other people without their permission. Keeping this rule helps reduce trouble in your question box.