Sense of distance (kyorikan)

Overview

A sense of distance (kyorikan, the feeling of how close you are to someone) refers to the degree of psychological closeness in a relationship. Edward Hall classified physical distance between people into four levels (intimate distance, personal distance, social distance, and public distance), and the psychological sense of distance can also be seen in levels. Keeping a social distance from someone you've just met and closing the distance as you get closer is one way relationships progress.

How a question box confuses your sense of distance

A question box can easily throw off your sense of distance. Because people can send deep questions anonymously, they tend to feel psychologically closer than their actual relationship. People ask for love advice or open up about personal worries to someone they have never met.

The person answering can also get too involved with anonymous senders. Feeling that "this person is relying on me," they end up taking on a role like a counselor. But the relationship in a question box is lopsided. The person answering knows almost nothing about the sender. Trying to build a deep relationship in that state can lead to strain at some point.

How to keep the right distance

The right distance in a question box is about that of a friend of a friend. Not too close, not too distant. Answer questions sincerely, but don't step too far into private matters. Show empathy when someone asks for advice, but don't take on too much responsibility.

If you feel the distance is too close, make the tone of your answers a little more formal. If you feel the distance is too far, share a little more about yourself. By repeating these small adjustments, you find the distance that feels comfortable for you. The right answer is different for each person.