I was joking but they took it seriously: why text gets misread

When a joke doesn't land

To the question "What's your favorite subject?", you wrote, "PE. I love running. I want to run a marathon every day." To you, it's an obvious joke. Your followers should know you're bad at sports.

But someone reading your answers for the first time can't tell it's a joke. They take it at face value: "Oh, this person likes PE." Or some people might read it in a bad way: "Wanting to run a marathon? Is that a dig?"

Face to face, saying it with a laugh shows it's a joke. But text has no facial expressions. It has no tone of voice either. Getting a joke across with words alone is harder than you think.

Why text is easy to misread

You may have heard the famous claim that "the meaning of words makes up only 7% of a conversation." This number comes from experiments by the psychologist Albert Mehrabian, but it's actually a result limited to cases where words contradicted facial expressions or tone of voice about feelings or attitudes, and Mehrabian himself rejected generalizing it to communication as a whole.

Even so, it's true that tone of voice and facial expressions play a big role in conveying the nuance of feelings. And in text, that voice and those expressions disappear entirely. Readers have to guess the writer's intent from the words alone. Because there isn't enough information, readers fill in the gaps with their own mood and experience.

If they read it in a good mood, they interpret it kindly, and if they read it in a bad mood, they sense ill will. The same text can leave a different impression depending on when it's read. This is what makes communicating in text so tricky.

The shorter the message, the colder it looks

In text, there's a trap: the shorter a message is, the more likely it is to come across as cold. A short reply like "Got it" or "Yeah" may feel normal to you, but to the other person it can look curt, or make them wonder, "Are you angry?"

Face to face, a smile or a gentle voice conveys warmth even with the same words. But text doesn't have that. The shorter it is, the less there is to fill in the gaps, so it ends up looking cold.

When you want to show kind feelings, add a few more words. Just adding a little, as in "Got it! Thanks," makes the impression much warmer. Being brief and being curt are only a hair's breadth apart.

Add warmth with punctuation and symbols

How you use punctuation and symbols can help add warmth to your text. Even with the same "Thanks," the impression you get from "Thanks." and "Thanks!" is completely different.

Adding a single exclamation mark instantly makes a message brighter. Using commas well creates a soft rhythm. Small touches like these can take the place of tone of voice.

But don't overdo it. If you pile on too many symbols, it can come across as too flippant instead. What matters is using just the right amount to set the tone. In exchanges made of text alone, this kind of careful attention helps your feelings come across correctly.

If you're misunderstood, follow up right away

No matter how careful you are, you can't bring misunderstandings in text down to zero. What matters is following up right away when you notice you've been misunderstood.

Just adding a line like "What I said earlier might have sounded cold. I didn't mean it that way" can ease a mood that was starting to turn sour. If you leave it alone, a small mix-up can grow into a big rift.

Misunderstandings aren't a bad thing. They happen to everyone. The problem is leaving them alone. When you notice one, don't treat it as a hassle. Add a few words. That honesty keeps relationships built on text from getting awkward.

Readers can read with good faith too

To reduce misunderstandings, the reader's attitude matters as well as the writer's. When you get a reply that seems curt, don't jump to the conclusion that the other person is angry.

They might have just been in a hurry, or they might simply have a habit of replying briefly. Because text carries no warmth of its own, the person reading it tends to imagine the worst.

That's exactly why making a habit of reading in good faith, assuming "they probably didn't mean anything bad by it," cuts down on needless mix-ups. The writer adds warmth, and the reader reads with good faith. This mindset on both sides keeps exchanges in text calm.

3 tips for preventing misunderstandings

Tip 1 is to mark your jokes. Make it clear that you're joking with "(warai)" (the Japanese way of typing "lol"), "w," or "just kidding." You might think it's lame, but it's better than being misunderstood.

Tip 2 is to avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm almost never comes across in text. In text, "That's amazing (sarcastic)" can't be told apart from "That's amazing (sincere)."

Tip 3 is to choose the kinder version when in doubt. If you've written something that can be read 2 ways, rewrite it so it reads more kindly. Readers might take the worst possible reading, so the writer should get ahead of them and remove any room for misunderstanding.

In text, don't assume "they'll get it." Write so that they will get it. This mindset helps reduce misunderstandings.