Trying a question box as a couple: a new way to talk to each other

Some things are hardest to ask the person you love

The longer you've been together, the harder some things can become to ask. "What do you really think of me?" "What do you actually want to do on our dates?" "Is there anything you'd like me to change?" Precisely because they matter to you, you hold back, worried that the answer might hurt.

Your partner feels the same way. "I actually don't like X, but saying so might upset them." "I wish they'd do X more, but I don't want to seem selfish." As both of you hold back, small frustrations pile up until one day they blow up out of nowhere. It's not an unusual pattern.

A question box is one tool that can ease these things you can't ask. Because you can send questions anonymously, you can ask what you really want to know with less worry about "Will they get mad if I ask this?" Of course, your partner knows it's you, so it's only "anonymous" in name, but the act of writing it down and sending it gives you a push to share honest feelings that are hard to say face to face.

Way 1: Set an "honest talk day"

Once a month, set a "day for honest talk through the question box." You each create your own question box and send each other questions anonymously.

"Which of our recent dates was the most fun?" "Honestly, how many points would you give my cooking?" "What do you want for our next anniversary?" "Is there something you'd actually like me to change?" Even questions that would make you tense up if asked face to face are easy to send through a question box.

Share your answers just between the two of you instead of on your question box's public page. You check the questions in your dashboard and tell your partner your answers directly. If you write your answers on your public page, other people will see them, so the basic way to use a couple's question box is not to make your answers public.

As a rule, promise in advance that "we won't get angry at any answer." If the whole point is to hear each other's real feelings but saying them makes your partner angry, real feelings may stop coming out next time.

Way 2: Suggest date plans anonymously

"Where do you want to go on our next date?" "Anywhere is fine." Does this going-nowhere exchange sound familiar? "Anywhere is fine" may not be a real answer but a defensive one, given to avoid the risk of suggesting something and having it turned down.

One way around this is to use your question boxes to suggest date plans to each other anonymously. You both send "places I want to go," "things I want to do," and "food I want to eat" anonymously. Because it's anonymous, you worry less about "Will they find it weird if I say I want to go here?", so it's easier to name where you really want to go.

If you look through the suggestions together and talk them over ("This one sounds good," "Let's save this one for next time"), you can decide on a date plan based on what you both really want. It makes planning more fun than going back and forth with "Anywhere is fine."

You can use this for planning trips too. If you send each other "things I definitely want to do on the trip," "the kind of place I want to stay," and "what I honestly want to spend" anonymously, you start to see what the other is hoping for, and you get closer to a trip plan you can both agree on.

Way 3: Put your thanks and love into words

Some people feel they aren't good at expressing affection. "I love you." "Thank you." "I'm glad you're with me." Even when you feel it, saying it out loud is embarrassing.

Try sending messages of thanks and love anonymously through a question box. Even though your partner knows it's from you, the act of writing it down and sending it can be the trigger that draws out words that don't come out when you speak.

"The happiest moment since we started dating was X." "When you did X that time, it really helped me." "I love how X you are." When your partner gets messages like these, they will probably feel a fresh kind of joy: "So that's how you've been feeling about me."

You can also use it as a surprise for anniversaries and special occasions. On their birthday, they open their question box and find anonymous messages from you lined up. Writing a letter feels like a big deal, but with a question box you can share your feelings casually.

Things to watch out for when using it as a couple

There are a few things to watch out for when you use a question box as a couple.

First, don't make the question box "a tool to test your partner." Grilling questions like "Are you cheating on me?" or "What's more important, me or your job?" can damage the relationship even when sent anonymously. A question box is a tool for deepening trust, not a tool for backing your partner into a corner.

Second, don't force answers. If you press with "Why won't you answer?", the question box can start to feel like a chore and tends to stop being fun. Agree at the start on the rule that it's fine to skip questions you don't want to answer.

Third, don't rely only on question box exchanges. A question box is a tool that adds to face-to-face communication, not something that replaces it. Take topics you found through the question box and dig deeper into them face to face later. This combination helps make the relationship between the two of you richer.

A question box is a small tool that turns the things couples "can't ask" into things they "can ask." It isn't a big, fancy tool, but depending on how you use it, it should bring a breath of fresh air to how the two of you communicate.